


Gains and losses

by britishngay



Series: Come over [10]
Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Angst, Anyways, F/F, as they do - Freeform, bc that's what this fic is, it has to get worse before it gets better ooof, just imagine chandler smoking on her car to a sad abba song, oh and her thoughts go whack, or at least I think? - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:33:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23294803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/britishngay/pseuds/britishngay
Summary: Gains and losses. The Chandler family motto, if you gain, keep it, if you lose, make sure you never see it again. It obviously doesn’t apply to weight, your dear mother made absolutely sure that you knew that during your early teens. But your father made you know what was best from whenever you could understand one of his harsh toned lectures.(Or Chandler starts thinking too hard after Veronica's party)
Relationships: Heather Chandler/Veronica Sawyer
Series: Come over [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1454131
Comments: 8
Kudos: 85





	Gains and losses

You spend the car ride from Veronica’s ignoring Mac’s pleading stares.

She tries to talk to you a couple times, only for you to shut her down. Part of you is saying that you should talk to her, she is your best friend after all. You could invite her over, neither pairs of parents would notice, and talk, actually get all of your feelings out, spend time understanding them. That would be the healthy way to deal with it, but actually talking to someone? You’re good thanks. The other part is adamant that you don’t need to talk to anyone because you can handle it yourself, you always have done. That other week where Mac found out was a moment of weakness and today, that was another moment, how could you let your defenses down like that? What did you gain? Your father, when he was around, always told you that Chandlers always gain, they never lose. Letting people in only gave you loses. And yet Veronica Sawyer stumbled her way through your walls and then made you love her.

God that word was terrifying.

Love.

Mac leaves your car with worry in her eyes and says.

“Call me if you need anything, you idiot.”

Before closing the door and heading into her house – which is honestly more like a mansion. Her parents are never home and you wonder what it’s like to go through a house that large all by yourself, does she ever get scared? Or is she used to it by now? Or does she get lonely, does she like to be alone? You spend a second wondering what that would be like.

Your mind drifts to your family.

Gains and losses. The Chandler family motto, if you gain, keep it, if you lose, make sure you never see it again. It obviously doesn’t apply to weight, your dear mother made absolutely sure that you knew that during your early teens. But your father made you know what was best from whenever you could understand one of his harsh toned lectures.

It was too close of a call in there, Mac knowing was already one person too many, let alone if anyone else in the room had figured it out. Veronica’s eyes had been full of fear when they locked onto yours, then she said that you were good in bed, which you already knew. The morally fucked part may have hurt more than you anticipated. It was all too much too quickly for you to comprehend. You acted like nothing happened during the movie, making those comments that make Veronica chortle in a way that would be unattractive in any other person but made her so much more endearing. She would make eye contact with you part way through to check in on you and you would just give her a nod, even though you weren’t sure yourself. You could see that she didn’t know how she felt either.

You stay in your car, it offers you some solace in these strange times. Instead of staying outside of Mac’s house you drive to one of the secluded spots of town. It’s just past the Walmart parking lot and just before the area where all of the kids go to make out. You and Veronica have never been here, you’ve only almost screwed against Ram’s house and your car when the others interrupted you. You never realise how little you smoke until it’s moments like these where you find your packet in your glove compartment half empty and can’t remember the last time you smoke. You turn on the radio to hear the end of a Springsteen song that Duke would’ve made you listen to a few years back.

_“Welcome to Sherwood Radio, coming to you with some ABBA! This is an oldie but a goodie with, The Name of the Game.”_

ABBA ain’t half bad, just like these cigarettes, the ones you stole from your father as a curious teenager, if he did notice he didn’t say anything. Being alone in your car makes you feel like everything can be okay for the next two minutes, or whenever you finish the cigarette or the song ends, depending on where your mind takes you.

_I’ve seen you twice, in a short time_

Too close to home, ABBA. You can’t keep going like this, you just can’t. There are too many loses attached to it. The fear of being found out has tainted you, with your mother walking in, you felt as if your heart would fall out of your chest, the world came crashing down and Veronica was there and you felt better, you felt as if everything would be alright. Then she touched you in a way that she hadn’t before and you crumbled. It was one hell of a gain, so quick touches but slow, powerful eye contact that made you feel like you were wanted. Then tonight, she couldn’t hold you, couldn’t do anything except deny your involvement. It hurt but what would people say, would Mac stand up for you? Would Veronica? It’s all too much for everything. You need to think about something else. School and futures, that would be easier. You’re meant to be going to University come fall, your gpa isn’t awful but it could be better. This isn’t working, and it’s stressing you out more than you wanted it to.

_And you make me feel, and you make me show, what I’m trying to conceal_

Thanks ABBA, that’s really not what you want to think about right now, except you can’t think of anything else. You just want to go back to getting joy from other’s misery and, even though it was trash, fucking the football team. It was easy, everything was easy. But it was surface level, you never felt much and guilt came far easier than you anticipated. Now you feel so much, too damn much, you want to go back, but you don’t. Contradicting yourself and going in the same circles isn’t going to help anything Heather. This is only making you lose your mind.

_Would you laugh at me, if I said I cared for you?_

Ha, there’s one hell of a thought. Veronica’s smile twisting into something nasty, her eyes darkening in the way that they do whenever you insult Dunnstock. Her laugh, but not in the dark delicious way that it normally is, but empty, laughing at you. Her saying that you were nothing but someone to touch, that you’re nothing too her – god that would cut through you way too easily. Even thinking about it is making your thoughts spiral.

_Your smile and the sound of your voice, and the way you see through me_

You slam your hand into the radio to get it to shut up, god, can’t a girl spiral and smoke in her car in peace. You don’t know if the silence is any better, your thoughts are much louder now, at least the music drowned them out slightly.

There is one common denominator to all of these thoughts.

Veronica.

What are the gains and loses surrounding her?

Gains: you feel something good for the first time in a long time, good sex, you don’t want to hurt people constantly the way you used to.

Losses: theoretical social suicide, too many thoughts, self-hatred is starting to rise. Sure losing Veronica would hurt in the short turn, but you could gain so much in the long run. Feelings be damned you need to cut her lose, and properly this time. You barely lasted two weeks last time, as soon as you got your phone back you called her and everything started to change.

You need to lose her, maybe your thoughts can rearrange properly.

You throw the butt of your cigarette out of your window and your mind is made up.

No more Veronica.

**Author's Note:**

> The song is Name of the Game by ABBA. I was toying with the idea of it being a Springsteen but I decided against it because the lyrics were just So good in the name of the game, but if you wanted to know 'I'm on Fire' by Bruce Springsteen was the other song.
> 
> Hope y'all enjoyed xx
> 
> Comments are fab but you don't have to leave them :)


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